‘Surrender yourself in a yoga posture and allow the universe to do the job. Open up your heart and receive the Grace that universe brings to you through your practice and embrace it.’ It has been a while since I last practiced yoga at Just Yoga. I could hardly remember the last time I was there; I could hardly remember the green plants at the porch, I could hardly remember the smell that used to calm my mind; I could hardly remember anything for I am lost, lost in the jungle of concrete buildings and the busy metropolitan life.
Sometimes I feel like a ‘dream walker’ or even a ‘puppet’; allowing things, allowing people to pass me by, minute after minute, second after second. I pay little attention to them and gradually I feel no connection at all with this entire universe. Who did I see? What did I do? What had happened? – are some of the questions that I asked myself when I have some time to myself. But the truth is I could hardly remember nor recall them. In short, I can’t even answer the questions myself.
A dream walker is not just what I am. At times I feel like a puppet too! Strings are attached tightly onto my arms and legs that I feel so ‘suffocated’ and ‘tied up’, little room for me to breathe and rest myself. I am completely in control by my ‘master’ to play the roles ‘he’ wants, but not what I want. Right! The key word here is not what I want but my ‘master’. Every now and then my role changes - the Head of School, the teacher, the trainer, the friend, the girlfriend, the daughter, the counsellor, and so forth. These roles are so important and must be well-played, that there is no space or time for me to stop and think - who I am and what role am I on at that moment. It changes so constantly and so fast that I got mixed up sometimes. I am confused with my own identity. What am I? What am I? What am I?
Besides different names for each role, behind them are the expectations set by others that need to be met by me, the puppet. Day after day, the expectations get higher and higher, hence I have no choice but to work harder and harder, or I will get red card - disqualified. At the end of the day, I am all worn out. But who knows? No one knows except me.
At times I have strong urge to speak up for myself that I hated my role as a ‘puppet’. I try and try but my feelings, my thoughts, my say are just not important to them. Who cares? No one did. All I can do is to continue doing what I am doing, regardless how I feel on the inside. The emotional burden is like a snowball, the longer it is roll he bigger it gets, and I have no channel to let it out. No, nowhere.
Because of this, I became further and further from my within. My mind and soul are not in the complete form. They are there and they are here. My drishti point is gone. I couldn’t be more negative and pessimistic about things around me. I constantly engaged in negative thoughts and my emotions are on a roller-coaster ride, going up and down, up and down, and it seems like no end to it. Energy and time is all used up for all these and believe it or not it is more tiring than a two hours yoga class. My energy level became so low and sometimes I really wish that I have a magic wand in my hand, that I could stop this material world from exerting more of its power onto this earth, onto everyone and permit them just to slow down and take things one step at a time, or even just enjoy the moment on the earth. But we know it is impossible…or perhaps it will one day.
Today I finally took the courage to go for class at Just Yoga. It is the ‘confrontation’ time! I have to go to the mat and confront myself no matter what. The fear is there but it is not going to win this time. Thinking about what Darren has told me some time ago that I should give myself time for yoga, I was very determined to be in his class today.
The lesson starts by sitting in meditation. I always like meditation but for the first time I hated it. My mind was not with me nor I’m comfortable in the crossed-leg position. My mind was travelling back to the past and the future – what had happened a minute ago and what I am going to do next after class. Felt so irritated that I couldn’t calm my ‘monkey mind’ down but I kept trying.
But then miracle came in. The little fountain outside the porch has come to a big help by bringing my mind back to the present moment. Its flowing sound is so clear, so precise and every beat is so consistent, as if I could count to every beat and make it a melody. It feels like a natural music plays in the garden just for us in the room, in Just Yoga. Loved it! The classical Indian music played on the player too go side by side with the natural music in the garden. At the same time my olfactory gland started to work. I could smell something familiar yet calming in the room itself. But I stopped my mind there, than going further into guessing what smell that could be. I sat and enjoyed my moment. The combination of the smell and the music is the best combination that one could ever ask for. For the last five minutes finally I managed to calm my mind down. My shoulder is relaxed; my legs are in comfortable position; my face is relaxed; and I am finally relaxed for once, after all the hard work for the last few months. I feel myself from my head to my neck, down to my chest, my belly, my thighs and my legs. There are all there and the sensations that I felt on each part of my body makes me feel my own existence. Hey I am alive! That moment I wish Darren could prolong the meditation session but it’s time for asanas.
The asanas today focus more on hips opening postures and it’s my favourite. Not sure how many practitioners will agree with me, but to me the hips opening postures are the key to most of the postures. If one has the hips well-open, then most of the postures come pretty easily for one to do it.
I struggled through the asanas but I am happy that I am here today as part of the practice. The great thing about practicing yoga with Darren or Dennis is that you don’t have to force yourself into a posture nor the final posture is the most important thing. The process is what really matter the most, as well as the understanding of the whole body form or structure, so to avoid injuries is what makes the whole practice meaningful. To me it is exactly what I am looking for. It is never the final postures, but the understanding of each and every asanas and sees how they guide me towards acceptance and understanding of myself, my body and this universe. Yoga posture is more than just a form of exercise. It is more than that and it is always back to root – mind, body and soul.
After the practice, Darren spent some time explaining some of the new terms that he has used in the practice earlier and every word that he said has helped me to understand and clarify some of the uncertainties that I had during the practice. What more can you ask for from a teacher like that? But today Darren has brought me to a new light again. He has never let me down each time we met; he brought to me an understanding of yoga and the world.
He shared with me the word GRACE today. I love this word for the first time I heard it and after he explained the word to me, I wonder how I can work towards this – GRACE. He got me into my thinking mode again but I have written this down as to what I understand about GRACE.
‘Surrender yourself in a yoga posture and allow the universe to do the job. Open up your heart and receive the Grace that universe brings to you through your practice and embrace it. ’
The night ends in a GRACEFUL way.
Namaste
Author: Niente-bel
Date: 16th December 2008
